Friday 3 March 2017

A Touch Of Honesty

   This blog has been a bit void of personality lately, and in truth I've not felt like opening up. Brexit has thrown so very much up into the air, and with the decision to leave the free market, the residence of all non-UK EU/EEA nationals is in question. This very much affects me because Seeg is Dutch. He's been living in the UK for 6 and a half years now, helping me to look after my mum, and has just applied for proof of right of residence. It's been said officially that people already living here won't be affected, but no one can be sure. Leaving the EU is going to be a long process, and once it's all finally done, all kinds of things could change. As such, the idea of deportation is dogging us, and while I would happily follow him and live in The Netherlands, my mum's disability makes the matter complicated. Just getting a job, moving out and making a start on my own life is complicated, and that's also why I'm relying so heavily on my Etsy shop.

   And that's the second issue: my shop is failing astoundingly. Since about October my sales have been dropping, and I'm now matching the stats from three years ago. It's seriously getting me down because I haven't the faintest idea what to do about it. I've given my shop an overhaul, rewritten every single listing's title, tags and description, made new pieces, tried different forms of advertising, but it's now gotten so bad that I can't even afford to advertise anymore, making the whole matter worse. It feels like a downward spiral and it's making me feel even more hopeless.

   Seeg has also had some kind of problem with his legs and lower back for at least 6 months, which has now gotten so bad that he needs physiotherapy, and while I'm glad something is finally being done about it, it adds another worry and appointments are affected by caring for my mum.

   In short, right now, nothing is as simple as it should be, and though I'm trying to look on the bright side, I've gotten to a point of feeling so hopeless that even though I've received a few custom orders, I can't find the energy or motivation to do them. I have, of course, and I've given them my best efforts, but I haven't enjoyed it. I've been trying to meditate, but if I'm honest, the thought to do it doesn't occur to me anymore and I just want to sit and wallow in my own self pity.

   Eesh. I'm glad I wrote this. I know it's whiney, but at the same time, I've not actually taken the time to try to get these thoughts in order, and now things at least seem plainer. I know why I'm stressed, and while none of them are matters I have any real control over - I can't slap any clarity out of the government, I can't force people to buy my stuff, and I can't fix his back - they're also matters I might as well put out of my mind. I have a strong belief in this Buddhist proverb, and I need to remind myself of it from time to time: if you have a problem that can be fixed, then there is no use in worrying. If you have a problem that cannot be fixed, then there is no use in worrying.
   This is a time for finding something new to do - trying a new craft, watching a new TV show, trying a new game.
   And when it comes around to it, my current book, at least, is going well. I'm starting to doubt my abilities, but I know I have all the time in the world to tweak and polish my book before submitting it, and the first draft is absolutely never printable. And it's a two-parter, which Archguardians should have been in hindsight, so while the first book is nearly done, I'm not submitting it anywhere until the second is finished. So there's still plenty of time and no need to worry about it.

   But yes. That's me. Perhaps, if this keeps on, I'll annoy you all and start writing short, weekly, positive posts. Remind myself every day of something I'm happy with, grateful for, enjoying and so on, gather them up and stick them up here for all and myself to see. It's the simple, daily things that are all too easy to miss, after all. You don't obsess or over-think the things you enjoy them, you just enjoy them...right?


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