I spent most of my day yesterday feeling quite uneasy. Publishing my book was terrifying, finally putting myself out there and taking a huge step on the road to achieving my dream, and because, frankly, aside from agents, no one else had read the book. I had no opinions but theirs and my own, and it frightened me to no end.
I thought I'd gotten over it, and I suppose, for the most part, I have, but being the fantasy writer of the day on the fantasy reddit page brought a lot of that back to the surface. My heart pounded every time I thought of how exposed I was, and while it was partly excitement, it was also fear. I was being asked surprisingly intellectual questions, and while I could answer them easily and clearly enough, I really felt exposed. Writing should speak for itself, but here I was being asked questions about my decisions in character creation and world development, and I found myself second-guessing things. I was grateful for the questions, though, because I knew that while I was being exposed to critical people, they were also the right people.
None of that is to say I didn't enjoy it, because I really did. In fact, I come across as a bit of an idiot in real life because I struggle to get my words out - a lot of people do - but when Seeg read through the questions and my responses, he actually told me he was proud of me, and that it's changed his view of me a little bit. You could perhaps say that's a bit harsh coming from my boyfriend of 6 years, that he had a lower opinion of me than I 'deserve', but at the same time...you would be underestimating how stupid I can be.
He hasn't read any of my writing, either, and to be honest, I don't really want him to. I struggle to overlook the 'my friend wrote this' when I read things my friend writes, and I know he does, too. I read her work in her voice just as he would read my work in mine. That's not to say I look down on her work, because I certainly don't, but it is a detail most people would struggle to ignore. But he did say, after reading my responses, that he has 'more faith' in my writing. That I can rationalise my decisions so clearly, that I have a reason for pretty much every small decision, and that, above all else, I'm not as feather-brained as I might seem.
So, if nothing else, I am satisfied that I've at least raised Seeg's opinion of my work in this endeavour, and I'm genuinely pleased about it.