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Wednesday, 24 December 2014

Christmas

   Perhaps it was the stress from my shop pushing me into overload, but the fact that Christmas Day is tomorrow hasn't really sunk in. Either that, or I'm growing old. I say 'old' rather than 'up' because you're only as old as you feel...but I just can't get into the Christmas groove this year. I've tried, believe me, I've tried hard. I play Christmas music every morning, but that doesn't do it, I make sure to light up the tree while I'm working/playing on the PC and the bigger tree in the living room when I'm exercising, but that still doesn't help. I've even drank lots of Christmas tea, but even the extremely Christmassy smell isn't doing much for me.
   I think it probably is because of shop stresses, so next year I think I might close up a little sooner and lose those last-minute sales (they're mostly just stress, though that doesn't mean they're unappreciated). I lost sleep in the last week of sales and when I did sleep I dreamt of little more than tissue paper and pillow boxes. I think I've burnt myself out on it. And despite what I said in my last post about being unable to just sit in the bath to relax because I'm sat there not doing anything else, I did sit in the bath yesterday in an attempt to chill out and try to think about Christmas.
   I think the other part of the problem is the big Christmas secret. That you-know-who isn't you-know-what. Even though I had that broken to me about 12 years ago, I think the magic has only just started to fade, but even if it's taken this long for that to begin, it's dropped at quite a steep and sudden gradient.

   This isn't to say that I've been moping around and saying 'bah humbug' every five minutes, quite the opposite, but I'm just not feeling it. I put a Christmas film on and turned on all the lights when I sat down to wrap presents, and just as I was starting all I could think was "I can't be bothered with this" - and I love wrapping presents. The only thing that put me in a good mood and urged me on was testing one of the gifts I'd bought Seeg to make sure it worked (you can't buy them new anymore) and finding that it did so perfectly (meaning I didn't have to rush around finding a new gift).

   I think I was spoilt as a child. I had wonderful Christmasses, I truly adored them, and I had a ridiculous amount of presents, too - lots of little things, but lots of them - and I think the experience I had every year at home with just my sister, my mum and my dad really burned its way into my brain. That's great, but the trouble is that when I think of Christmas I think back to that, and with my mum being heavily disabled and my sister living elsewhere, it just doesn't go that way anymore. Plus, y'know, I can't get up at 4am in my pyjamas and wake my parents up for presents.

   Still, maybe I'm wrong, maybe tomorrow I will wake up early and be filled with child-like excitement! I hope I do, but at the same time I have to remember that Christmas is what you make of it.



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