Finally Figured Out Why I've Been So Tense Lately

   How's that for a rubbish title?

   Lately I've been feeling extremely tense. When I go to bed, when I wake up, when I'm working on stuff, and just all the time, in general. And I've finally figured out why, and funnily enough it makes me happy: I've gotten too intensely involved with the characters in my book.

   This is, on some levels, a good thing. I can switch to their lives and personalities whenever I need to while I write, which a good writer needs to be able to do, but a good writer also needs to be able to think straight when things get sad, heartbreaking, or tense in order to maintain the narrative. Things in my book at the moment - which I have been working on an insane amount lately - are becoming quite heated. Things are popping up that, as far as the characters are concerned, shouldn't be happening, both on global (even beyond) and personal levels, and it's getting me so freaking excited. Hey, if I'm not enjoying my book, how can I expect anyone else to? But, unfortunately, getting that into it that means that the emotion is spilling over to my every day life, and that's not so good. I've been jumpy, I've been irritable, I've been having trouble sleeping.

   I love it when books get tense, when they get exciting, romantic, dangerous and upsetting, because I can't help but marvel afterwards at how words alone can do that to me, and so many others.

   I could never go as far as to say that my writing was amazing, because I know I have weak points, but I admit that I do believe my ability to write tense or sad situations is quite good, though I can't be sure until lots of people read my work.

  I'm confident that this book will be rejected by agents, because there are too few that handle fantasy, and those that do probably aren't taking on many more writers, and that does make me sad. But despite that confidence, I'm also confident that the work itself is publishable - the trouble is finding someone with the time and enthusiasm to take it on. I've spoken to a few authors lately who got their agents years ago, and the one thing they have all told me is that getting an agent these days is hard work, with a lot of rejection, and that all I can do is my best, send it in and hope. Which I will do, of course, I want this too much to be put off. But every now and then - surprisingly only for a few minutes - the idea that it could be years until I get anywhere, if ever, really makes me wonder why I'm bothering. Then I remember: because there's nothing I enjoy more.

   I'm not looking for fame, I'm just looking to make enough money to justify writing - so that I can support a family (either as sole bread-winner or partial) without having to worry about money, and subsequently be able to write more and more.

   I'm babbling. Basically, I'm glad I figured out why I've been tense, and I'm even happier about what exactly it is that's causing it. I'm seriously enjoying writing right now, and I've just bought a few new books to read which I'm super excited about too. I just bought the Tamuli by David Eddings (I read the Elenium a couple of years ago), and I've got the complete Belgariad, and there are two Warcraft books I have yet to get (Vol'jin and Warcrimes, the latter of which is released in May), but completing my own book comes first. It can take a few minutes to write a line sometimes, and it's a bit sad when it takes mere seconds to read it. The time seriously adds up.