Tuesday, 31 December 2013

The 9th of January

   I'm going to admit something silly now. It's my birthday on the 9th, and I'm afraid of it. I'm not afraid of growing older (not entirely), but rather being forgotten.
   Last year, on my 22nd birthday, I was forgotten by a few important people. My sister, my cousin, and my best friends forgot about my birthday. There were no cards, no birthday wishes, no phone calls, nothing. It hurt so much, and I'm afraid that it will happen again this year.
   I was surprised at my sister, though I don't know why. She never comes over to the house unless she wants something from one of us, and that's almost always money. She sent me a message on Facebook on my birthday saying she was sorry, she forgot it was my birthday, and she wasn't going to come round to the house to see me because she didn't want to come without a present. Fair enough, I understand that logic, and in truth I'm not on the best of terms with my sister anyway, but I do love her and I am there for her when she needs me emotionally whether I'm in the mood or not, because I know what shits her friends are. And I know I wouldn't want to turn up empty-handed to someone's house on their birthday. So I sent a message back saying not to worry. Okay, so my sister forgot my birthday, but whatever, she has a lot of her own stuff to deal with so I let it slide.
   She came in the next day, empty-handed, asking my dad for money. I never did get a gift or a card, and she never gave any mention of my birthday whatsoever. I, of course, didn't ask for gifts or cards because you just can't do that, and it's not what I was upset about anyway. While I am a material person, gifts aren't that important to me really, especially when the individuals in question have no money to buy gifts anyway. I was upset because my own sister forgot my birthday.
   A few days later, my cousin sent me a message apologising for having forgotten, and gave me belated wishes. My cousin and I were on good terms, and were quite close just a couple of years ago, but we drifted apart when Seeg moved in with me because I wasn't online talking to people anymore, since the person I was online for was next to me. I've tried sending her messages since but a conversation rarely comes of it, no matter how hard I try. But fine, she has her girlfriend so I know she's busy with relationship stuff just like I am. Still, it hurt that she forgot as well as my sister.
   Then there were my friends. I don't have many friends - in fact, I have just two people I can class as my friends that I know in real life and are outside of my house. Everyone else are either relatives I never see, or genuine strangers. Both of them forgot (or seemed to, I'll get to that). I didn't get messages, no cards, nothing, and that hurt more than anything. It really did. I was in tears because I felt abandoned. Yes, my parents and my boyfriend, the most important people in my life, remembered, and that counts for a lot, but they also had no choice since I was bouncing off the walls for the entire week before hand. Even my best internet friend up in not so sunny Scotland remembered, which felt lovely. But the fact that my friends, who I've known and loved since I was 4 years old, my sister and my cousin, all people I considered to be close with, forgot about my birthday really hurt.

   Of course, I conceed that my dear friend Lucy did turn up on my doorstep out of nowhere a few days later. I appreciated her coming round so much, and it made me feel a lot better, but I still felt forgotten by everyone else.
   If it had just been my sister, or just been my cousin, I could have forgotten about it and it wouldn't have bothered me, but the fact that it was both of them plus one of my two friends did hurt, and they didn't make much of an attempt to correct it afterwards. Lucy's arrival made me so happy and it really made me feel better, but I'm still really worried about being forgotten again this year. I'm so out of touch with the world around me, I never leave the house, or very rarely at any rate, and I never see my friends or family, and I'm so worried about being forgotten. I have my boyfriend to talk to, and I admit that I'm not bored at home or anything, but the thought that people who I deem important in my life could forget me is a saddening thought. And I suppose I'm writing this post as some kind of passive and pitiful plea to those people who forgot last year not to forget me this year, though I know that not one of them will see it because none of them read my blog. But, at the end of the day, it helps to get it out there, right? Maybe last year was an unfortunate one-off and it'll be better this year, I don't know. But I do know that I am a little afraid of my birthday this year, even though birthdays are not really any more important than any other day, but it is the one day a year each person has that they can expect a little bit of effort from other people (but that doesn't mean that they should sit back and do nothing).

   I'll stop whining now. It's possible that it's also just post-Christmas blues, I don't know.


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